What Do I WANT?

Apologies for not writing this month. It’s been a busy and (sort of) strange one.

Due to some short-staffing in my department at work, I’ve been working more than usual. It’s taken a bit of a toll, sapping energy and motivation.

Adding to that, my workplace is in the midst of budget cuts and – as a result of that – layoffs.

For the last two and half weeks, the work environment was weird, tense, and perhaps a bit anxious.

And then last week happened.

Instant messages over computer, lowered voices in corners and hallways, speaking in sad, hushed tones about co-workers who had meetings with bosses in cramped offices … being told they were being let go … that while they were perfectly welcome to stay in touch, not to count on getting steady employment – that they were better off looking elsewhere.

I was not one of those who had a meeting. However, in the days leading up to those pink slips being handed out, I didn’t lull myself into a false sense of security. I kept reminding myself that – like anyone – my job could be at stake.

It also had me thinking about what I would do, if I were to get a much-feared meeting.

Honestly, by this point, exhausted – perhaps a bit burned out – by work, I couldn’t imagine myself crying over a decision that wasn’t in my favour. I’m not sure I would have been upset at all.

On a personal level, things are … okay. When I haven’t been working like an ox, I’ve been trying to get out and do things here and there. I signed off for another online dating Web site. But it seems I’m running into more of the same types of people that turned me off the previous site. So I took a break in mid-March, slightly discouraged, wondering if it’s even worth it.

I remember mentioning my experiences with a friend at work – someone who’s had a couple of long-term relationships and not doing shabbily at all in the dating department – and she asked me: What is it that I’m looking for? What is it, exactly, that I want?

Perhaps this is the question that applies to all aspects of my life.

What is it that I want?

I keep asking myself this question. And I don’t think I have or know the answer. Or, everytime I try to answer, the words come to mind seem … I don’t know, trite? Phony? Cliche?

Maybe what I want is to have more fun with my life? I honestly don’t know anymore.

I’m hoping that this summer is my first chance in two years to do things other than just work. To do fun things that all my other friends do. Perhaps I’ll re-discover and re-claim a little bit of who I am. Or finally start to discover it.

May-Be Full of Possibilities?

“It’s a good thing Margaret Mitchell suffered a broken ankle back in 1925. She got so bored as she lay around the house recuperating that she started writing a book. Eventually it blossomed into the 423,000-word blockbuster Gone With The Wind, which sold 30 million copies and won her the Pulitzer Prize. Judging from your current astrological omens, Aquarius, I suspect that you, too, may soon be offered an opportunity disguised as a ho-hum problem.”

– Rob Brezsny’s Freewill Astrology, April 29

 

Blue skies with fluffy clouds.

Warm sun beating on my neck.

Feeling the light breeze travel through the SRT station as I sniff the sweet aroma of the nearby Dad’s cookie factory.

This, to me, marks the beginning of The Good Season – that period from mid-spring to summer that gets me out of my mental funk, at least temporarily.

It’s May once again. And again, I’ve got the vibes that come with good weather. I’ve got a bit of spring in my step, and I’m slowly noticing the colour returning to the city after several months of muted hues.

And again, my mind’s filled with thoughts … of melancholy over having to return to work just when I’ve gotten a brief taste of freedom … and of making my life a tad better than mundane.

But how?

Of course, I’m not wishing to break an ankle (or anything) like old Margaret. ‘Cause gaining 10 pounds would more likely happen, than me churning out a manuscript.

But seriously. With all these good vibes I’ve been taking in over the last few glorious days off work – the sun, the breeze, the feeling of not wearing socks and shoes for the first time in months – something has GOT to give.

Something HAS to happen, to make me change my outlook and slap a smile on my face on the days I have to earn money. ‘Cause my happiness can’t be reduced to only three days a week. This has got to translate, somehow.

All I want is a sign that there’s an opportunity (one that I would love, WITHOUT HESITATION) just up ahead, and that I should bide my time.

I just hope I haven’t already gotten it. ‘Cause that would suck.