What Do I WANT?

Apologies for not writing this month. It’s been a busy and (sort of) strange one.

Due to some short-staffing in my department at work, I’ve been working more than usual. It’s taken a bit of a toll, sapping energy and motivation.

Adding to that, my workplace is in the midst of budget cuts and – as a result of that – layoffs.

For the last two and half weeks, the work environment was weird, tense, and perhaps a bit anxious.

And then last week happened.

Instant messages over computer, lowered voices in corners and hallways, speaking in sad, hushed tones about co-workers who had meetings with bosses in cramped offices … being told they were being let go … that while they were perfectly welcome to stay in touch, not to count on getting steady employment – that they were better off looking elsewhere.

I was not one of those who had a meeting. However, in the days leading up to those pink slips being handed out, I didn’t lull myself into a false sense of security. I kept reminding myself that – like anyone – my job could be at stake.

It also had me thinking about what I would do, if I were to get a much-feared meeting.

Honestly, by this point, exhausted – perhaps a bit burned out – by work, I couldn’t imagine myself crying over a decision that wasn’t in my favour. I’m not sure I would have been upset at all.

On a personal level, things are … okay. When I haven’t been working like an ox, I’ve been trying to get out and do things here and there. I signed off for another online dating Web site. But it seems I’m running into more of the same types of people that turned me off the previous site. So I took a break in mid-March, slightly discouraged, wondering if it’s even worth it.

I remember mentioning my experiences with a friend at work – someone who’s had a couple of long-term relationships and not doing shabbily at all in the dating department – and she asked me: What is it that I’m looking for? What is it, exactly, that I want?

Perhaps this is the question that applies to all aspects of my life.

What is it that I want?

I keep asking myself this question. And I don’t think I have or know the answer. Or, everytime I try to answer, the words come to mind seem … I don’t know, trite? Phony? Cliche?

Maybe what I want is to have more fun with my life? I honestly don’t know anymore.

I’m hoping that this summer is my first chance in two years to do things other than just work. To do fun things that all my other friends do. Perhaps I’ll re-discover and re-claim a little bit of who I am. Or finally start to discover it.

New Year, New Dreams

Maybe this is some sort of indirect by-product of my efforts to get more sleep … but I’m ALREADY having weird dreams.

I hope none of these are premonitions.

Sunday (January 4): I dreamt that I was going home to my apartment – which city, I dunno; it looked pretty generic – when I think I was accosted by someone I can only describe as a young, deaf guy try to mug me. I don’t know why I came to this particular conclusion, other than the fact he never said anything – he just grunted.

Apparently I managed to break free and fight him off, just metres away from what I can only guess was an entrance to my apartment.

Later on when I was inside the aforementioned apartment, I dreamt that two little girls managed to break their way into my living room (which looked strangely like the front room of my parents’ house, where I currently live). One of them looked no older than four or five; the other – who I just assumed to be her little sister – was a mere toddler.

I remember trying to figure out where they came from and whether they were all right … and I somehow got the impression they were in cahoots with the deaf thief from earlier. I think I remember hearing him trying to break into the window from outside … when I woke up.


Wednesday (January 7): I had what felt like three separate dreams.

Dream # 1: I was working at a radio staion with a colleague of mine, who asked me to telephone this man who I THINK was a doctor and was a guest that our local station really wanted.

I remember being given sheets of paper with his contact information, as well as a note that he was pissed off/annoyed at us because a number of other stations under the same network had been calling for interviews. At any rate, he was in a sister radio station in Newfoundland and Labrador.

I tried calling using this special inter-office phone code for the radio studio he currently was in … but I just seemed to keep dialling … and dialling … and dialling. I don’t think I ever got through.

Dream # 2: I dreamt that I was sitting at a table with my parents and this TV host, talking about abortion rights. And the host was commending them for their progressive views.

At one point, I was trying to figure out how to get my dad on camera, but my mom explained that he probably wouldn’t want to be on camera because of some incident a long time ago. I still wanted to try, and was imagining myself convincing him that it would be okay.

Dream #3: This one felt like a movie of the week. Apparently I was in my house – which looked a lot like the first house I grew up in – trying to change my clothes. But my sister (I don’t have a sister; this person resembles someone I know from work, who looks NOTHING like me) was trying to catch me naked – I guess to embarrass me? I dunno.

At one point, she came into my kitchen naked, except for where her hands covered her bits (I don’t understand this part) and she launched into some monologue about how my promiscuous behaviour had pretty much branded the other female members in our family (I’m assuming the other sisters I apparently had), and they’d been living with the shame ever since. And when she was finished, a couple of tears rolled down her face.

I remember going over to hug her and then just dissolving into tears when I tried to apologize. I couldn’t actually say anything – I just sobbed. I think the thing that got me was that it actually felt real. Strangely enough, I did not wake up crying.

It probably means nothing. But if you come up with some explanation for all this strangeness, go ahead – give it your best shot.

A Baby And A Dog

Sometime last night, I had yet ANOTHER dream …

I was living by myself, and had this baby I was taking care of – about three or four months old and really cute; she kind of looked like me, so I’m assuming she was mine …

But then there was this dog – a mutt, I think – and there was something wrong with one of its front legs, so it was limping.

And all I remember was running around, trying to find an after-hours animal hospital to seek help for this dog – and finally finding one – all while trying to remember to feed, take care of, and generally not neglect the baby.

Man, it’s times like these when I’m glad I don’t remember what I dream about most of the time. Weird.

The Strangest Dream, Night Two …

As if last night’s tiger dream wasn’t odd enough …

I really must not be getting enough sleep, because I had another weird dream last night.

I was a student again, and I was applying for some special prize or the other. On this particular day, there was some sort of special test.

I just remember entering the room, really pissed off about something – I don’t even know what. I nudge past this tall-ish man in a suit; I mean, I brushed past him and didn’t care.

And then I hear a voice say, “Excuse me, are you … ?” and he says my name.

I turn around, and it’s the tall man I just brushed past. He’s got kind of an English accent, and for some reason, he looks like he’s sweating. I look down at the bottle he was holding, which had a red label, and looked like it was full of water. It seems like, in brushing past him, I caused him to spill his drink.

I apologize profusely and jump to get him some serviettes.

Before I know it, the people are gathering for this test. As it turns out, Tall Man is one of the important people related to this test – he sits down at a small rectangular table of equally official-looking people. Great.

And there’s a long table, almost as if it’s set up for a panel discussion. This long table is apparently where the prize candidates doing this special test will be sitting.

We get our tests, and as we’re looking at them waiting to start, this girl on my left says to me, “Oh look – it’s like a library test. I did these back in high school.”

“Library test?” I asked.

“Yeah”, the girl replied. “Haven’t you ever done this before?” The guy on my right and I give each other an, “are you KIDDING me?” look, and mutter no.

Then the test starts. The official-looking people from before have disappeared. But the adjudicator looks like this woman who’s my assignment editor at work in real life.

Everyone else is scribbling, some furiously; i’m thinking about how to answer the question. I notice our test sheets are these tiny rectangular cards. I finally go to fill mine out and notice it doesn’t look like the others at all.

The adjudicator says, “Don’t spend too much time on it. Just get it done as fast as you can.”

Perplexed, I turn my card over and over, and finally ask for a new one.

But I notice that the adjudicator and I are the only ones left in the room. Everyone has up and left. But how on earth … did everyone finish and leave while I wasn’t looking?

And that’s all I remember from the dream. I dunno what this means? Am I being left behind in some respect in my life. Am I GOING to be left behind unless I do something? And if so, what am I supposed to be doing to prevent this?