In a recent post on her blog, a friend of mine lamented, “Why am I attracted to all the wrong guys?”
I commiserate with her. Not because I think I have the same problem. Oh, no, no. My issue is that I seem to be attracted to the guys whom, for some reason, I cannot have.
Ladies (and maybe gents), prepare to be dismayed.
Today, I gotta rant. About a boy. And it’s gonna get neurotic.
I have this recurring (or ongoing?) crush on this guy, and it’s driving me nuts. I’ve mentioned him before, but I’m not going to go into the backstory here. I already did that last year. And it progressed into the summer. (Yes, I’m la-aaame.)
I thought I stopped liking him a while back. But I guess I was lying to myself. Again.
Before last Friday, I last saw him in March, at a friend’s birthday party. But then he went travelling for a while, so I didn’t really hear from him until mid-April, when I decided to e-mail him.
In my mind, I’m telling myself, snap out of it, because he’s typical of every guy I ever had a crush on – The Guy I Cannot Have – so why pine away over someone who is Just Another Friend? Especially someone I see only every two months on average, anyway?
But something in me can’t help but hang on to the threads of possibility. Even if I don’t see him for long periods of time, every time I do, it’s like it starts up all over again.
For instance: I went to meet him for dinner on Friday – purely as friends – and in my head I thought, It’s no big deal. It’s just dinner. Catching up. Shooting the shit.
But as I got closer to the restaurant, I started having this jittery feeling in my stomach – the one I’d get if I was going for a big test or a job interview.
And then my throat just suddenly went dry. My throat almost never does that.
It’s that ludicrous.
And then the other thing – not that I’m decent at being able to decipher people at all – is, I am absolutely no good at figuring him out. I can’t read him.
Like, in the past, sometimes the way he’ll sometimes squeeze my arm or wink at me, I’d be thinking, Is he winking at me? I – I think he did. Did he just squeeze my arm? I don’t see him do that with anyone else …
So then I’m convinced – or, at least, the 16-year-old inhabiting my body is convinced – it’s somehow this thing.
For me the big part of this thing is our greetings and goodbyes. Usually it’s a hug accompanied with a peck on the cheek. I don’t just dole that shit out to anyone. If you get any sugar from me, it’s either ’cause you’re (a) a friend or (b) other – and I don’t think I need explain what I mean by “other”.
Until last Friday. When we parted ways, we just gave each other a hug. Period.
Walking to the subway station, while I was numbing part of my brain by blasting music through my iPod (and thereby further damaging my hearing), the other part was like, What the fu- ? Wha? That’s it? Huh. I guess he was just being overly friendly that one time … or maybe he liked me way back, but he’s over it … Or maybe he’s just tired and has to get up early in the morning …
And on it went, to the point where the neurotic part of my brain has presently resigned itself to the belief that nothing will happen between us.
Yes. I am, without a doubt, socially STUNTED when it comes to this sort of thing. Sigh.
Maybe I should get out more, with different people. But it seems like so much work. And really? What good will unleashing me onto the general populace do?
Besides, if he actually liked me as much as I like him (as part of my brain would like me to keep hoping), he would have done something about it already, right? Something would’ve happened.
The older I get, the worse I get at this stuff.
I should just fill out my application for the nunnery and submit it. Like, first thing Monday morning.