I once read somewhere that more people are depressed during the month of April than any other month during the year.
I’m beginning to think that for me, it’s actually late October, early November.
Lately – and especially this week – I’ve just been feeling down and generally dissatisfied with the way things are. Then I took a look at an old posting and noticed I was in a sucky mood at this time last year.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach every day. I also have my relative good health, a job to go to, as well as my family and an overabundance of friends.
But all I’ve been feeling the last week and a half or so is dissatisfied. That my life has been a bit lacklustre lately. Or lacking some sort of oomph.
I mean, yes, I have shelter to come home to every night. But it’s not mine. It belongs to my parents. They’re just nice enough to let me continue living here. (Well, that, or the fact I haven’t found a way to completely annoy and alienate them to the point of them starting a “move out” campaign.)
And because I live at home, I feel – even though I have my independence for the greater part – that sometimes I’m babied in ways that make me annoyed.
I commute quite a distance by public transit every day to work. Apparently Statistics Canada says the average Torontonian travels about 90 minutes to and from work each day. That’s my trip in one direction. Which adds up to something between 12 and 15 hours a week. I can’t even imagine how many weeks that adds up to every year. And the longer I do it, the more tired I become. It’s been almost six years. I don’t know how some people do it for 10, 15, 20 years. And I don’t know if I personally want to find out.
And speaking of work, that’s another matter. Earlier this year, I was given a chance to try something different from the job I had been doing at the time. I would have been an idiot to have said “no”. Understand that at the time, I was in a foul mood at the state of my career. I had been in the same unit for over two and a half years. I was tired of getting up before the crack of dawn, travelling all the way to work just as the sun was rising, and then working until well after dark. It was just getting to me.
I finally told myself to start looking around to see if there was anywhere else in the building that I wanted to work. In my frustration, I’d even sent out a resume to another company about a couple weeks beforehand (and I didn’t expect to even get a reply).
Enter my new boss. A good man and a really fair person, he called me into his office one day to ask if I was interested in working with a new project they’d be starting up in the next week and a half. In my mind I wasn’t completely sold on continuing to work in the same unit, and I’m not sure what my face was saying, but maybe it was projecting that. However, knowing that this new position was the difference between in a possible step up and continuing to be mired in what I was currently doing, I said yes.
Fast forward almost nine months. Frustration is once again setting in. I feel as if the job description – or what I thought I’d be doing on the job – doesn’t at all match the work I’m actually doing. And I feel sometimes like I’m not taken seriously because of that.
So some of you are probably rolling your eyes, thinking about how selfish and ungrateful I am for thinking or feeling this way.
But answer these questions. Don’t most people want to do something in their lives and career that makes them happy? Shouldn’t a person have a job which inspires them, or at the very least find a job in which he or she can find something inspiring?
“Okay, fine,” you might say. “But if you don’t like your situation, do something about it.”
And that’s where I am currently, in my mind.
I can’t just up and leave my current job. Not without some sort of plan. And I like the organization I work for, and most of the people I’ve gotten to work with. There has to be something I can do elsewhere, without throwing up my hands and leaving completely.
I also feel like the commuting has a large part to do with it. I’m living at home because I’m trying to save up for a place to live. I want to buy, not rent. Why should I pay someone else every month to let me live somewhere – and not be able to save a whole lot – if I can try and buy something that’s mine?
All I want is to live somewhere that’ll cut down on travelling time. But with record real estate sales month after month in this city, I’m beginning to wonder if that’s ever going to happen.
I’m trying not to sink into a rut, but I feel as if that’s what’s happening. So whle I’m trying to come up with a plan, I think I need some sort of outlet in the meantime to help me through – I think that’s what could make all the difference to me right now.