(Epic Post warning …)
So I’m going to admit two things I should probably be ashamed of:
1) I watch American Idol (when my work-commute schedule allows).
2) I want that guy off the show.
For people who watch, he needs no introduction. For the rest of you who have no clue (and thank goodness I took my meds before writing this, or else I’d be covered in hives), that perma-grinning contestant is Sanjaya Malakar. He’s one of two 17-year-old contestants on this season of American Idol. And he can’t sing.
I’ve never professed to be a singer, period. But I’m pretty sure I could sing better than him.
Now, I know I’m probably going to get rained on by from 11-year-old girls and other members of Team Sanjaya (including my dad!), who think I should be ashamed of myself for even saying such things, ’cause he’s just doing his thing, etc.
But for some reason that boggles me and many others who feel this way, every week, he gives what would be a middle-of-the-road, mediocre performance. And every week so far, someone who sings way better than he does gets kicked off the show.
And in addition to his crazy tapioca warbling, there’s another thing driving me absolutely batty.
Yes, there are guys out there with long hair. It’s not a new concept. But seriously? He looks like a girl. If it was shorter, or if he had a bit of facial fuzz, I could probably deal. But no. And not just his hair. It’s the things he does with it. The picture above is usually how he wears it. But lately, he’s been messing in a whole ‘nother type of wrongness.
A few weeks ago he decided to dabble with a man-perm probably not seen since the days of disco (or Wayne Gretzky in his early days as an Oiler):
Do me a favour. Please. Do NOT call this a ‘fro. I have a ‘fro. I (and millions of other people like myself) have earned the birthright to the ‘fro.
And you don’t mess with birthrights.
If I hear someone ever use that term sacreligiously to describe this mess, I will hunt you down and smack you. I have ways and means.
And these days, that includes Facebook.
LAST night, he had the audacity to do this while completely mangling one of the few No Doubt songs I really like:
Everyone called it a faux-hawk. I call it the Seven Ponytails of Hell. And because of it, he caused host Ryan Seacrest to create a new verb when tonight, Seacrest came out in a fake wig in the same seven-ponytail design and proclaim: “I’ve been Sanjaya-ed.”
Whatever he’s doing, it’s causing enormous numbers of people amongst the tween set (and maybe his five dozen relatives) to pick up their phones and start voting furiously when the lines open for audience members each Tuesday night.
He even made this 13-year-old girl cry uncontrollably last week for an entire hour :
The story I read says she was overjoyed when Sanjaya hit the stage.
NEVER make this girl upset.
But he’s doing more than making little girls cry. He’s making people like me grouse about this to their fitness trainers, dentists, co-workers, podiatrists, doctors, falafel-stand owners and taxi drivers.
He’s even given a woman in New York the most bizarre reason to go on a hunger strike, now in its 12th day. She even has an explanatory You Tube video.
Forget global warming and obesity. This will kill us all first, starting with that girl.
Since it’s evident no matter what he sings, he’ll continue to crush fellow contestants in his wake, I have a theory and a solution to end the madness:
My theory: It’s not his voice keeping him on the show. It’s his hair.
So someone, in a stealth operation, needs to take an electric shaver to his head.
It’s totally Samson and Delilah. Fuh serious. Samson had his strength in his hair. And Sanjaya’s carrying his luck somewhere in that shaggy mop.
No need to shave him completely bald. Just give him a stylish, not-so-shedding-on-the-carpet coif. That way, once people can see his face, they’ll come to their senses.
Boy is probably overdue for a haircut, anyway.
Even now, he’s done enough damage to secure himself in the Top 10 and a place on the tour that takes place when the show is over.
But for right now, I want to be able to see and hear properly when I watch TV on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. For the love of God.