iPhone? I yaaa-aaaawn.

If you’re a follower of the Church of Steve Jobs of Latter-Day Mac Users, than I suggest you move on to the next blog.

Hell, you want a two-word reaffirmation? Go read my brother’s blog instead. Just get the hell on, then. Get to steppin’! Git! ‘Cause what I’m about ta say, you’re not gonna like.

Okay. So yesterday, Mr. Jobs held his annual keynote address at the Macworld convention (a.k.a. The-We’re-WAY-Too-Good-For-The-International-CES-Convention) in San Francisco, and he gives his crazy Apple-obsessed disciples – some of whom lined up in THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT to get in the following day – have some of the Good Gospel According to Apple. Over 2 billion songs bought from the iTunes store … Apple TV, the new wireless way of playing all your iTunes content…

And then he unleashed what would probably be the digital equivalent of crystal meth, wrapped in an approximately 11 cm x 6 cm x 1 cm shiny thin metal casing. Electronic porn for the masses.

It was nuts. I remember one snippet of tape I saw, where Jobs was demonstrating the locking feature on the phone (“… and you just slide it over”), and his followers clapped in approval, as if to say, “See, non-Apple suckers? Steve’s got every problem you’ve ever had with a phone figured out. And he made it futuristic AND pretty.”

I’ve talked to a couple people I know. One of them thought the iPhone’s a sweet package. The other says she wouldn’t want an iPod phone, which you could argue, is essentially what this is.

Lookit. Apple plays a good game. I don’t completely hate them. As a PC user, they make a good case for wanting to become a “switcher”, to use a Jobs-ism. The Mac commercials are funny. The iPod commercials, very flashy.

But a phone-MP3 playing-organizer? For almost $700 Canadian? You’ve GOT to be out your damn mind.

(And who the hell holds their OWN convention the same week as the other international electronics convention? That’s just plain elitist.)

Yes, pretty with bells and whistles and touch screens and slidey things this iPhone may be. But you can never EVER factor out life and human error.

What if the thing gets stolen? Someone didn’t just pilfer your phone. They also pilfered your MP3 player, and your organizer.

What if you drop it and it breaks? What? You’re not going to be that clumsy? I’m sure Steve Wynn, the millionaire who bought Picasso’s masterpiece “Le Reve” in October and then accidentally poked a hole in it the day after, didn’t think he was the clumsy type, either. Stuff like this happens, whether you want it to or not.

And if you’re Canadian and have enough self-control to wait until it comes north, then I hope you have the patience of Job. One news report I just watched said it may not be up here for MONTHS. I feel bad for all the electronics companies who have been fielding calls since yesterday about a product they only found out about ’round the same time as everyone else.

Listen – everyone’s free to choose whatever they’d like. But we’re talking about personal electronics! They don’t perform surgery, or rocket science, or help solve the world’s problems, like poverty or crime. They have flashy lights and sounds, and perform neat electronic tricks that overexcite your neurons. Or in the case of some hard-core Apple users, make them almost rabid to the point of falling into the electronic-device-equivalent of a diabetic coma.

And already with such a flashy new baby, there’s already conflict nipping at Apple’s heels. Another company, Cisco, has immediately gotten ligitious, seeking an injunction against Apple allegedly biting the “iPhone” name.

And now that the iPhone’s out there, it’s only a matter of time before other companies try making similar models which, if they worked fast enough, could probably be on the market, in a matter of years, for less money.

I’m waiting to see what people will be like when this thing’s available in stores. Will this be civilized, or will this be just like the frothy frenzy caused by the first-day sales of the PS3?

(Which, if sales in Japan are any indication, is getting its bitch-ass WHOMPED by the Wii – at least, for the moment anyway – thank YOU very much.)


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